Ditch the guilt: How to cope with depression as a stay-at-home mum
In theory, being a stay-at-home parent should be the easy option
when you’re suffering from depression.
But
although there are definite positives to being a stay-at-home-mum (SAHM), many
of the characteristics of depression – exhaustion, irritability and feelings of
inadequacy, to name a few – can make full-time parenting even more difficult
than usual. I’ve been an at-home mum for over 12 years, and I can honestly say
that raising kids while battling depression is the hardest thing I’ve ever
done. So what can we do to make things easier for ourselves and our families
when we’re bringing up children alongside fighting mental illness?
Get your routine sorted
When
you’re depressed, it’s hard to find the motivation to do anything and lying in
bed while the kids watch hour after hour of CBeebies is a tempting option. But
while dealing with my children’s daily routine can feel overwhelming at times,
it also gives my day structure and forces me to get up and out of the house.
Preparing meals for them at regular times means I’m less likely to skip eating
and, at the other end of the day, getting to bed at a sensible time helps me
get the sleep I need when battling depression fatigue. A regular routine is
known to be beneficial when you’re depressed and there’s nothing quite like
children for making sure you stick to it.
Fight back against loneliness
Being a SAHM can be a lonely business, especially in the
pre-school years. It’s all too easy to go from one day to the next without
seeing a friendly face. It’s been shown, however, that loneliness is a trigger
for depression, so hiding away from the outside world could make you feel
worse. Going to toddler groups or soft play can seem like hard work, but it’s
worth the effort: that bit of social contact could stop you spiralling further
into despair and isolation.
Sleep when you can
That old adage ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ holds true when you
have depression. It’s an exhausting experience anyway, and adding small kids to
the mix can bring you to your knees. If your baby or toddler still has a nap,
seize the opportunity to doze for half an hour; if they’re beyond that stage,
take advantage of their early bedtimes and head off to bed early yourself.
Make the most of your partner
Motherhood makes me want to be Superwoman: I feel like I should be
able to do everything family-related myself, and not ask anyone else for help.
Not even my partner. But over the years, I’ve learned that this just isn’t
possible – and trying to cope single-handed is likely to make me ill. If you
have a partner, remind yourself that parenting should be a 50/50 job: you’re
not failing if you ask them to put the kids to bed or take them out on a
Saturday daytrip to give you some time out.
Ditch the guilt
OK, this is easier said
than done. Guilt is a prevalent feature of depression, and when I’m suffering,
all I can see is how I’m failing as a mum. But there’s nothing wrong with
letting your kids watch three solid hours of TV from time to time so you can
nap on the sofa. It doesn’t matter if sometimes, you all stay in your PJs all
day, or if they eat pasta three days in a row. You might feel guilty, but your
children won’t bat an eyelid – and neither will they remember these so-called
‘failures’ in the future.
Find your support squad
I
can’t emphasise enough how much my friends have helped me in the constant
struggle to look after my children while being mentally unwell. It’s hugely
reassuring to know that I have a network of people who will take the kids to
school if I can’t get out of bed, invite them for a playdate or drop a meal
round. Friends and family are so important when you’re battling depression, so
don’t feel guilty about leaning on them: anyone who cares about you will be
more than willing to help.
Know what to say to your children
Children
are remarkably perceptive, and although your instinct may be to protect them
from your illness, they’re likely to worry more if you try to hide it from
them. They may jump to worst-case conclusions about what’s wrong with you – my
son thought I had the big C at one point – or worry that you’re upset because
of something they’ve done. I’ve come to realise that it’s better to be honest
with them, in an age-appropriate way. My children know now that sometimes my
brain goes a bit wrong, and they’re wonderfully accepting and matter-of-fact
about it.
Know when to get help
It can be difficult to seek help for
depression when you’re an SAHM. It might feel like you have no right to be
depressed, or that it’s a reflection of your parenting abilities or your love
for your children. You may even worry that social services will get involved
and you’ll lose your kids. However, one in four of us will suffer from mental
illness at some point, so you’re far from the only parent going through this.
Medical professionals really have seen it all before, so don’t be ashamed to
ask your GP or health visitor for help: sometimes all it takes is a course of
medication or talking therapy to turn the tide.
Treasure the small stuff
When
you’re depressed, it’s so difficult to see the good things in life, but an
attitude of gratitude is known to help alleviate feelings of depression.
Parenting is full of moments that we can be thankful for, alongside the fussy
eating and endless bickering, so try to be appreciative of them, even on days
where everything feels too much. Stop and savour those squishy toddler hugs and
kisses, or your child’s pride about getting a sticker at school: they’re proof
that, however hopeless you feel, you’re doing a great job in the toughest
circumstances.
By Lucy Dimbylow
Comments
Post a Comment